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Tuesday, 14 April 2015

How To Get A Guy



Are you mildly obsessed with the prospect of getting a boyfriend?
Do you swoon unnecessarily over the male kind?
Well today you'll learn how to bag such a specimen.

Here is- How To Get A Guy ( The Slightly Aggressive Way)

There are ten steps to get a guy.  

1) You must wear a cape. Why? I don't know, just wear one okay, just do it. Capes are awesome. Never question this. 

2) Woo him with your ability to randomly recall song lyrics at any given moment. Approach said guy and kindly yet aggressively pull him aside and begin singing.  Because...um...everyone loves a good song right?

3) Caress his face, at the same time applying a generous amount of lotion and begin whispering things like: "I love cats", or "I used to have a violent turtle living in my back garden", in his ear in an attempt of seduction.

4) Now proceed to show him your feathers. Like a highly insane and boastful peacock, bear all feathers before his eyes. Confidently. Fiercely. So Vogue. ( This may be a slight issue if you haven't honed your peacock skills, but you can work on it.)

5) You should now continue to pin said guy down to the ground and aggressively scream at him how much you love him. Because you really don't want to seem to obsessed at this stage. It's best to keep things subtle.

6) At this stage, whilst subject is pinned to the floor, you should now ruffle his hair and casually pull out your scissors in order to cut a sample of his hair. This is only a precautionary measure in case he needs to be cloned.

7) From here, you tie him up in an array of beautifully colored yarn and force him to eat cookies.

8) Now you drag him away and you nurse him like a bird with a broken wing. Even if there's nothing wrong with him. ( But there might be if you've carried out any of the first few steps.)

9) It's time to now unravel your subject. Very slowly and carefully, making sure to lock every door and window.

10) He shall now fall in love with you. This will take place after countless sessions spent receiving hypnosis. Which you will learn yourself with the help of shifty looking YouTube videos that claim they're guaranteed to hypnotize.

You have now acquired your bae.

And if that doesn't work. (Which I don't see how it can't.) You will have to Move to Mexico. Change your name to Carlos Lehandro Defresco James Abraham Luther Fisher the 2nd of Monte Carlo. Grow a beard. Find a lady called Leasha and tell her Jermoe sent you. She will then give you a black box in which contains a  boat pass and a fake ID that will lead you to a remote island. Take the boat across the great pink sea and start your new life at Mont Rachos with the friendly squirrel that now lives in your bag. 

Okay, so maybe you might not want to follow these steps. I think the  best way to get a guy is to be yourself. And just do you boo. 

Disclaimer -  You are strongly advised not to follow these tips apart from the very last one. These tips
come from someone with no experience getting anything other than a box of cookies from her cabinet. No guys were harmed in this process.

27 comments:

  1. HAHA, I love this :) Hilarious!!

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  2. Ahahaha this is hilarious! You are such a talented writer! xx

    Golden Ducklings

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  3. Oh my gosh, this is perfect xD

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  4. You are a brilliant writer! Love it :)

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    Replies
    1. I'm really glad you loved it. Thank you.

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  5. Replies
    1. Well I am quite amazing ;) lol thank you.

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  6. I have a boyfriend now, all thanks to you! This really works XD

    (Okay, okay, just kidding. But if it worked, it'd make getting a boyfriend a lot easier :D)

    ~ayumii
    http://thisblogdoesnotevenexist.blogspot.com.au/

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    1. Well they do call me the relationship guru. I have full faith in my methods lol.

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  7. I'm glad I'm not following these steps :') Just do you boo. That's the one I'm liking <3

    -M
    The Life of Little Me

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    1. I don't know M, I still think these tips are full proof ;) I think just do you boo might be the one I like the most, apart from step 3 of course.

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  8. *Stands up, bows down*
    *Applause*
    *Throws rose and confetti*
    Amazing work!Such a hilarious post.

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    1. * Catches rose and begins unnecessary speech*
      "Firstly, I would like to thank my friends,my family. Beyonce for just being flawless, and capes. I love capes."
      *Gracefully moon walks off*
      Thank you Neal.

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    2. So do you ride around on your unicorns wearing your capes? o.O

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    3. It's one of my favorite pass times. I recommend you try it, it's very fun.

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  9. BWAHAHA! This had me laughing at my screen...which is a very rare occurrence. I applaud you.

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    1. Thank you. I tried my best to be as insane as possible, which wasn't that hard if I'm being honest.

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  10. HAHA, this is great <3
    -Lauren <3

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  11. Omg this is awesome! With your amazing boy skills and advice I could use your advice on my new post on my blog Long Distance. Really need expert advice like yours.
    Thx x
    http://bebeabout100.blogspot.co.uk/2015/04/long-distance.html <---Long Distance blog hyperlink

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