Monday, 31 August 2015

How To Be A Rasphutile

If you think about it, the concept of a gang of teenage mutant ninja turtles is really rather frightening.

Rasphutile- The made up word used to describe a writer who can never finish a story.

I'm the type of person who can read for ages, yet can't piece together her own story. Being a reader doesn't necessarily mean you'll be a writer, but for me I've always felt writing was kind of my thing, one of my talents. And considering there's only two (one of which being the ability to dance like a deranged ostrich) I've relied heavily on the idea that writing isn't just something I've grown to love, it's something I've had in me. Which honestly sounds like the plot to a crappy Hollywood movie, starring some terrible unknown actress in a made up neighborhood found in Chicago. Despite the seemingly ridiculous exaggeration of my previous statement, I really do like writing.

However, I'm the type of writer that'll leave my work unfinished. Half way through and then...nothing. It's not an intentional thing, it never really is. It's not there for any dramatic effect, or to leave the reader wanting more. It's purely because I'm the type of person who has no end in mind. You know how in primary school (elementary school, if you live in America) they'd give you those story mountains (the ones with the clearly rushed drawing of a terribly slanted mountain) and they'd tell you to plan your story.

They'd tell you that every story needs a beginning, a build up, a dilemma, a resolution, and an ending. Well, I was that one child who could never really stick to the plan. I was that girl sat on the middle table with her hands raised, urging the teacher over to ask "Can I start writing now?" Despite the fact, that my story mountain either looked as barren as a desert island or ink stained and soaked with a million unconnected ideas.

I was the girl who'd write and write and write. Constantly diverting from prior planning, incorporating random characters here and there as I saw best fit. I'd end up somewhere I'd never expected, lost in a literary word under a mesh of words and punctuation. I guess it's good to get lost in your writing sometimes, but then again it can get frustrating. It seems like what you've created is no longer yours. I've always been like that. I've always been a Rasphutile. It's happened with songs, stories, poems, reports, almost everything. Weirdly though, I've kind of grown to like it. I like not knowing what my characters are going to do. I like not knowing where I'm going to end up at the end. I like not knowing what dilemmas are going to arise. I like not knowing what words I'm going to piece together.

It's not the best in terms of high school. You're urged to finish your pieces, it shows you understand structure and time limits. It shows you can abide by the academic literary laws and it shows you know where your going. But I'm just not that type of person. I don't know where my stories are going, I don't know what's going to happen and I don't know what the ending going to be. I just know that I like writing and for now I think that's all I really need to know.

Who knows? I might just grow out of it.

 I've recently developed an obsession for Nat Wolff and it's becoming an issue. HELP MEEE!!!

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

Beware Of The Cupcake Seller


Starting a school business has to be one of the hardest things out there. In terms of difficulty it ranks just above wrestling a vexed chimpanzee and slightly lower than finding the remains of the once flourishing species of feather boa wearing decapricornettes ( don't question their existence).

The probability that your business will flop terribly within the first two weeks is seriously high, and so you may need to resort to other tactics:

You could battle against the competition; throw roaches in their produce and claim there's a serious infestation. Maybe lay a piece of moldy cheese somewhere near there main selling spot to put of their potential customers. You could sell a section of your upper right ventricle and half a toe to make a little profit. You could also claim you're the long lost child of Kevin Hart and demand he adopt you, then secretly run away with as many things from his house that you can carry. Or you could just do what one of my classmates suggests and attack people with cupcakes then raid their pockets for notes and loose change. This, although rather insane could be one of the best ideas I've hear in quite a while. I mean it's possibly highly illegal and ethically wrong but hey, a girls gotta make a profit.

Then again you could take a more passive aggressive approach and stare at people as they walk by your cupcake stall: your posture suggesting you're a kind-hearted and loving being but your eyes reading, "I will violently ruffle your hair and jump you if you don't purchase a cupcake from me." But whatever approach you take, turning 5 pound ( approximately $8) into a profitable business is undeniably hard. It takes both excellent time managing skills and the ability to not creep out other beings. Both of these things I clearly can not do.

Nevertheless, I've somehow managed to make a profit. It's still the first week and it's not that much profit, but it's profit and that is hopefully a reflection of how the next 4 weeks will go down. Otherwise I may have to resort to selling that half a toe and I do like my toes.

I'm not so much a fan of high school students though, although they are my only customer base. But if anyone is ever to ask me about that, I'll deny it a million times and bite them. Again, it may be ethically wrong but it gives me a solid 5 minutes to run as they contemplate whether or not I'm a developing cannibal. Or better yet, I might just start blabbering on about politics and demographics and taxes. "Extortionate I say, extortionate. What is the tax?... extortionate, that is absolutely ridiculous!" ( The exact words from the mouth of a customer, who despite the 40 second ramble eventually ended up purchasing two cupcakes.)

I'm certain by the end of this block I'll end up hating cupcakes, but it's okay. Just promise me though, that if I don't make enough profit you'll send me an iguana and some loose change. I'll be moving to Mexico, changing my name to Benedro Alejandro and running an unauthorized iguana breeding business in the winding alleyways of Mexico City. I'll be the 5 foot man in the corner, wearing a sombrero, a plaid shirt and some Crocs.

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Star Girl's Declassified High School Survival Guide: High School Essentials

A post to High School Jerks

There are approximately 5 ways in which you can avoid High School:

1) Claim you're a turtle.
2) Migrate to Africa and start a new life breeding giraffes.
3) Become one with nature and live in the woods
4) Become a Siamese cat.
5) Somehow harness the power of the sun in order to become an autotrophic feeder and live among other photosynthesizing plants.

If by some weird turn of events you cant accomplish these, then just like most of the teen population, you're going to have to go to school. If I'm being totally honest, school is hard, but sometimes the right school supplies can make the difference between a good learner and a bad one. So without further ado, now commences my list of High School essentials- the ultimate guide to everything you need for High School (in order not to be a total jerk).

1) In order to be fully prepped for any school day you're going to have to start with a backpack.
I suggest the brand 'Respect' because it stops you from being a totally disrespectful and insensitive student. The bags come with a filter to drain out the stupid and hurtful things you shouldn't say.

2) Once you've  acquired a backpack, you're going to need a pencil case. I suggest you fill this pencil case with a piece of humble pie. I mean pens and pencils are cool too but if you're ego is bigger than a growing whale you may really need the pie.

3) Now you need a water bottle. Why? To satisfy that thirst for attention you  may constantly have. Fill this bottle with self empowerment because you are a strong, (slightly) independent student and you shouldn't need the validation of others to feel good about yourself.

4) Purchase yourself some crayons, and colour out the shade you throw at others. Crayons, also known as attitude deterrents, prevent you from acting in a way that brings other down.

5) Get a calculator, preferably the Texas TI Resilience. The one calculator that knows when your slacking and not giving it your all and does its best to inspire you to try.

6) Acquire scissors, one of the most important school supplies. Snip away at those misconceptions and presumptions about the people you're surrounded with.

7) Always get highlighters, they point out those things that matter the most and lead you to the things of most importance, such as your education, family and how you see yourself.

8) Always buy a planner,  it's possibly the most important essential in this list. With a planner you can both organize your life and plan out how not to make a ruckus in class. A planner is like a remote control, it helps you easily control your life and if you're one of those people who never shuts up in class, I suggest you  use that remote and mute the TV that is your mouth.

That people, is a list of 8 High School essentials to guarantee your academic success. I wish you luck.

Friday, 14 August 2015

12 Things I've Learn't From Pitbull

I haven't posted for a while now but finally I'm back with a new post. Leggo!!

Warning :This post contains excessive amounts of sacrcasm but I mean no harm.

1) Sometimes it's okay not to use the letter 'G'
Whether you're growin', flowin', slippin', or runnin', all of these  words can do without.

2) If you fall whilst reaching for the stars, at least you'll fall on top ofthe world.
However I do doubt the relaibility of that statement, he does then go on to use a doube negative later on in the song and we all know how confusing double negatives can get.


3) It is possible to fly.
Look up at the sky, is it a bird, is it a plane?  No it's just Pitbull and ain't a damn thing changed.

If Pitbull can fly guys, then so can you.

4) You only ever really need to know how to count to four in Spanish.
And if anyone ever questions you on the valididty of this statement do not hesitate to steal their shoes and run away. I mean morally it's incorrect but it does makes for a smooth get away.

5) One should always formally introduce themselves before any song.
Whether your names Maximus Illinois , Rodrigo Dauntez or Spartan- the ruler of mere mortals, one should always state before singing.

6)It is never good to litter
So pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. No seriously though, pick it up.
Or I might just have to ring you up.

7)if your rents late TURN UP!!!!!
Even if you've been aware a week in advance.

8)It is acceptable to use the word peeps for rhyming purposes.
But then again Pitbull did on one occasion rhyme Kodak with Kodak, so it might be a risky move.

9)If you ask for advice you get money twice.
Another statement that I highly doubt the reliability off.

10)You should never play games with Pitbull.
"Cause you will lose yeah."

So I guess Scrabble's out of the picture right?

11) Usher doesn't lie. or rather in his words - Usher don't lie
Just like Shakira's hips, Usher doesn't all. And you better believe it.

12) We might not get tomorrow.
Out of all of Pitbull's lessons I think this is the most important to remember, and it's a reminder that you should live your life to the fullest.

That's it ya'll, 12 things I've learn't from Pitbull himself. I think I can now take on the world.

Thursday, 6 August 2015

Fool Proof Pick Up Lines

You've heard of the generic pick up lines. The old school, sub optimal, tedious works of art that leave us constantly cringing. You might have even used a few in your lifetime, but now is the time we revolutionize the world of cheesy overused gobbledygook. Now is the time we create a new era of flirting. Here are 22 full proof pick up lines for your disposal. The revolution begins now.

1) Are you a simultaneous equation? Because I can't seem to figure you out.

2) a^2 plus b^2 =c^2 so maybe I'll see you later... squared.
Hey!! I never said they had to make sense okay!!??.

3)Your eyes are like the dark depths of a frightening abyss; they stare deep into my soul.

4) Are you a Siamese cat? Because your purrfect- it helps if you cough up a fur ball and pull out a tin of tuna. It really adds a certain finesse to your deliverance of the line.

5) You look edible - then proceed to gnaw at their arms.

6) Are you a rope? Because I'd like to entangle myself in your arms.

7)Love meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
Or alternatively-
8) I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!

9)You see this right here, it's girlfriend material with a hint of silk and cotton and the tiniest bit of polyester.
 Noting the fabrics used in your clothing is pointless, however it does give you enough time to abort if that person happens to be carrying a toy gun and starts murmuring "pew, pew, pew!!!" repeatedly under his breathe.

10) Are you a shoe? Because boy do you look worn out.

11) If I was insane, I'd make a shrine of your face and hide it in my wardrobe.

12) I wish you were a teddy, so I could aggressively hug you and shove you into my bag to take with me everywhere.

13)You're just like noodles. I love noodles.

14) Has anyone told you that you look like an owl?

15) Quick water!! You're smoking hot.

16) Do you like turtles?

17) I like food.

18) Magnesium plus oxygen might equal magnesium oxide, but you plus me equals chemistry.

19) Is you're name sugar? Because my mum said sugar's bad for your teeth.

20) Can I smell you real quick?

21) I'm like the sun in the heliocentric model; the center of your world. I mean, unless you're into all that geocentric stuff, in which case I'm the Earth.

But if none of these seem to be working, then and only then should you resort to this last one:

22) Hi, how are you?

Disclaimer- Do not use these pick up lines under any circumstances in a serious attempt at flirting ( unless it's the last one). They were created by a single thirteen year old who has never tried to intentionally pick anything up in her life, not even the pencils that she constantly drops every lesson.

Saturday, 1 August 2015

Don't Swim With Sharks

Warning:this post contains the nonsensical ramblings of a  13 yearold oreo fanatic and has no structure whatsoever. 
Let's just chat guys.

Don't Swim With Sharks...
...or any vicious gigantic sea creature at that. Or a moderately large seemingly calm turtle... you know what just don't swim. But I suppose if you really wanted to (we're talking an excruciating internal desire here) a swimming pool's okay, there's much less of a chance that you'll get mauled by marine life. I mean the possibility is still there, but it's dropped by at least 21%. A 21% decrease in terms of I'm not going to be swallowed whole by a terrifying sea beast, means you're pretty safe.

Pretty safe.
However if the shark happens to be wearing a blonde wig, high heels, and carries a Gucci purse full of 1 pence coins, I strongly urge you to run. I mean swim... I think. Either way just get out of there. There's a very large possibility that that shark may be on opium and could start throwing punches at any minute.

I have no idea where exactly this post is going. If someone has an idea please tell me. Please. Somehow I've gone from what seems to be quite obvious advice to drugged up sharks wearing blonde wigs. Which honestly doesn't sound that strange considering all the other alternative routes this post could have gone. We could have ended up talking about the time I was offered to a dog (because obviously roman sacrifices never really died out) which isn't relevant at all. Then again, when have Gucci bearing sharks ever been relevant to anything.

I'm pretty much the only person in the world who's ever written in there bucket list that a) they want too run up to someone and tell them "Jeffery we made it" b) work up the courage to walk into Victoria's Secret and c) go to Starbucks. How is Starbucks going to help me live my my life to the fullest? I think the scariest thing is that I also wrote that I wanted the word 'fetch' written on my hand for a day. I don't understand what that was mean't to accomplish. That's not the scariest thing though. There's a paragraph in my old diary( that's where my bucket list lives, hopefully never to be seen again) that reads:

'It's not the antisocial behavior that consists of peeing on street signs and jumping on police cars or shoving people into roads and pushing them into ditches or hitting people with fish and stomping on their toes and stealing children's dolls and raiding confectionery stores.'

I'm not even sure what I was on about. Does that not worry anyone? I can't tell if it's humor or not, not even from the context around it.

Recently it seems that I've developed an unhealthy obsession for Shawn Mendes songs and it's taking over my life, for real. You know how the song you love the most is probably the one you listen to the most; well it's probably a major issue if you constantly play that same song on loop for the entire day and can still recall and recite the lyrics perfectly in your sleep.

I think that's pretty much it. On a scale of 1 to 10, how weird did this post get? I'm thinking it's at least a 17.
If you want to read more of my rambling click here and I hope you enjoyed this post. Have an amazing day and stay fabulous.

I'm out.