Friday, 18 September 2015

The Art Of Being A Douche

You will eventually encounter a douche. It's pretty much inevitable.

The art of douchery, like any other creative form of expression, has originated from our ancestors.

 As the years have passed the art of douchery has molded to the constant dips and curves of our society. In fact it's become quite the convention among high school teens. However, contrary to popular belief, one does not simply take on the art of douchery. The belief that such an art takes only mediocre efforts is highly absurd. The art of douchery requires both mental and physical strength in abundance and is only truly mastered by 35% of the world's population.( Which we both know is a totally made up statistic. Let's not deny it.)

Here is the art of douchery. Simplified and at your sheer disposal.

There are three main things you must know before becoming a douche:

1)It takes both time and effort.
2) At some point people will begin avoiding you like the bubonic plague.
3) You will become a nuisance.

Like quinoa to water, one must fully absorb and demonstrate the ability to judge others in such a way that it becomes almost like second nature to them. It should become so well established that the simple act of refraining from ignorant comments proves to be a strenuous task. 

 One must then attempt to accurately master the graceful art of the back handed compliment and the direct insult. It's necessary that you understand that it's perfectly acceptable to interchange these two as preferred when verbally attacking someone.  As a rule of thumb; the more hurtful the better. So why not dig deep into your pit of human savagery?!

If the act of verbally stripping away someones self worth isn't enough, resort to something slightly more physical. Purposely trip someone up perhaps? Push someone in the corridor possibly? Anything that floats your boat. Well... I suppose as long as it results in the victim wishing you a slow and painful series of  continuous slaps. If you're a true savage, you could cycle your way into an innocent child, smile, board your bike once again and cycle off without an ounce of empathy coursing through your barbarian bones.

 Always remember to display an utter lack of respect to everyone around you. This includes but is not limited to doing the following actions:
-Shouting constantly
-Blatantly offending someone
-Running in any place that obviously has a speed limit of  about 2 steps a second
-Holding a conversation in the middle of  someone else's conversation although it's perfectly clear the other person was trying to make a point
-Making jokes at others expenses
-Pointing out someone's height or lack of height every 3 seconds, despite the fact that they're only 5 cm shorter than you. ( Okay so maybe this one's a little deep rooted.)

Constantly point out how insanely attractive you are at any given chance. Mere muggles like me sure do appreciate your humble declarations.

 Dismiss the existence of any human being until it becomes apparent that you might need to use them for your own personal gain. Also a trait of a psychopath but you know? Whatever works and all.

The final step to becoming a douche lies deep in yourself. You must begin to believe that your existence should always and with absolutely no exceptions be validated by other people and their responses to you. Whatever you do must provoke a reaction out of someone and it is only then that you will truly become the ultimate douche. It is only then that you will master the elegant art of douchery and become one with the way of our ancestors.

You my friend, are welcome.

Tell me what you thought in the comments and get on my level by checking out this amazing YouTube channel. I'm pretty much obsessed with her and her humor so do the thing and click the link to check her out. With that said, I am done.


  1. I love this, now I fully understand what goes on in a douche's head.

    (p.s- you also left out: 'Pointing out that a girl wore that same shirt last week')

    1. Dang flabbit, I did Noor. Lol. I'm glad I could share my observations with you.

  2. Replies
    1. Thank youuuuuuuuuuu!!
      *composes herself*
      Thank you boo!

  3. This is hilarious!

    Oo, that back-handed compliment. When people give me those, I just smile and nod and think, "I now know who's on top of my dislike list." What I really can't stand is when the people around me don't recognize it for what it is and they're like, "They were being nice. What do you mean you don't like them?"

    1. Thank youuuuuuu Ashley!!!!
      I hate it when that happens.It riles me up so much. Top tip- Repeatedly yell REPENT at the top of your lungs. Or take the passive aggressive approach and stare them down for a while, then proceed to tweet about them.