Thursday, 22 October 2015

I Practically Ate My First Kiss

If first kisses are anything to go by, my love life is going to be a serious tragedy.

Origin

The general assumption when you tell someone about a first kiss is that it's with...well...you know?...an actual human. It's like how everyone just assumes your wearing socks or that you voluntarily choose to leave the house. In my case however, your assumption would be completely wrong. Utterly, severely wrong. So, so, so, so wrong. Wrong to the extent of it being a disgrace. So wrong it validates me laughing at you, shoving a decapitated plastic head into your face and...
Well ultimately you'd just be incorrect about it.

Which prompts me to warn you, that if you're ever in a science class and your science teacher starts telling you the story of how he found a guy unconscious and barely breathing on the top of a hill, it's probably leading to a CPR class and an intense make out session with a plastic dummy.

That coincidentally is exactly how my science class had started that Friday. And by coincidentally, I kid of course. This is no coincidence.

 You see, it's in the first few minutes of entering my biology lesson that you realise two things:
1) This isn't really a biology lesson.
2) Orange is a depressing colour in terms of a4 science books.

Friday's biology class is anything but conventional. So I suppose I should have known how weird it would get when the teacher told us we'd be doing something different.

The time I snogged a CPR dummy
There are 7 things that go through your mind when resuscitating a CPR dummy.

1)Boobs would be a total nuisance during this.
2)My lips are really dry.
3)How do I know he's not dead?
4) I'm pretty sure I just broke its cranium.
5)This is awkward. This is extremely awkward!
6) I think it's breathing! Why is it breathing?
7) How many people have had their lips on this?!

The moment that a person begins wrapping their lips around the mouth of an inflated human head  is the moment that it becomes increasingly apparent to that person that their first kiss story will forever be referred to as the time I snogged a CPR dummy. The point at which the person begins wiping down the mouth of the dummy is where they begin attempting to relieve themselves of the memory. But attempting to forget the fact that you've just full on snogged a dummy is rather hard. Mainly because you've just snogged an inanimate object. Partially because you had to hold it down in order to do it. And slightly because you had to wipe its mouth down with alcohol wipes immediately after it.  Which doesn't really scream confidence to someone encasing their lips around the mouth of a fake being.

I don't even think it could be considered real kissing. For one, I was practically swallowing the thing and  for two...well the dummy didn't really seem all that into it. It was like that scene out of snow white when the prince kisses her awake. But in this case instead of a gentle kiss, I was practically eating its mouth whilst aggressively pushing down on its chest with the heel of my palm.  This all whilst surrounded by 29 other students doing the exact same thing. Which is a beautiful thing really. That is until you realise that the person to diagonally across from you is really going for it. That reader, is the moment you start to mumble Bible verses under your breath.

And that my friend is how it happened. 

Not that it has any relevance to this post but the amount of times I've googled Jace Norman is borderline obsessive. Oh, and my next door neighbour is still trying to kill me so all in all everything's been pretty good so far.

4 comments:

  1. "The dummy didn't really seem all that into it" :') Ah if this counts as your first kiss then I guess my first kiss must've been a dummy too. I'm afraid you may be doing CPR wrong though.

    -M
    The Life of Little Me

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    1. Nonsense, M!! I'm pretty sure the objective is to aggressively push down on their chests and snog.
      I'm joking. Although the positioning of my mouth probably wasn't on center or by any means great, I'm almost certain I successfully revived him. Well, I'm not to be honest but the a5 certificate now in my possession says so.
      Did your science teacher also tell you about the unconscious guy on the hill? Because that's how they get you. That's how they draw you in.

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  2. I like that you feel the need to involve tayyab and Levi in your blogs lol btw I think its cute that you haven't had your first kiss yet

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    1. It's necessary to establish here, Megan, that these two people should be always and without a doubt compared to Voldemort in anything concerning my writing. They are those whom shall not be named.Therefore should not be named. STOP IT!!!
      Lol, yes I am referring to them and no it's not cute. I'm secretly trying to patent the act of not having a first kiss with an actual human. If anything its entrepreneurial genius. I also love how you couldn't have just texted me this.

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