Wednesday, 2 December 2015

I Am Alive...GIRF!

I am alive or at least what some would call partially existing. It's debatable whether or not I could class myself as alive. For one, I have had way too many physics tests to function like an actual human and for two, being alive would insinuate that I actually make something of my time on Earth and so far all I've done is stuff my face with chocolate and raw meatballs. (It wasn't intentional. I don't go around stuffing my face with uncooked meatballs but some part of me believed that perhaps those meatballs were just made of some foreign kind of pink meat.)

Here's a brief overview of the things you missed:
-My school got a bad Ofsted report.
-There's an apprenticeship programme I might be going to.
-My English teacher made a lot of horrible/hilarious puns.
-I had a physics test.
-I had an RE test.
-I had a physics test.
- I stared at multiple cute guys for various amount of times:
  - There was that one guy with the blonde perm
  - The one with the smile
  -The one with the jawline that could cut glass
  -The one way older than me
  -The one on Instagram
  -The one on Nickelodeon
  -The one I saw whilst I was one the bus
-I also got my hair braided and it hurt. Badly.

Also to the guy with the blonde perm, we both know we're getting married one day so we might as well give up the act now. You know, the one where you pretend as if you don't acknowledge my existence and I pretend as if I've only spotted you by accident and not by surveying the whole room for your curly locks? The jig is up boy. 

To the boy in my form room who just can't seem to fully grasp the whole concept of privacy, you need to start. Stop staring at me as I write. Stop involving yourself in other people's issues. And for cheezus sake boy, stop asking so many stupid questions!!

To the girl judging me on my food choices, I find it quite ironic how you can sit there munching on Vimto chewits and a sugar packed frosties bar whilst you criticize the fact that I've just had an apple an orange and some grapes. A part of me feels like that's actually quite laughable.

To everyone, I'm not quite sure I've ever stressed it before but umm... DON'T FRICKING TOUCH ME!!! Don't hug me in the corridors. Don't place your arm on my shoulder. Don't get close to my face. Don't brush up on me. Don't touch my bag. Don't touch me. Please, I am begging you to leave me alone.

To my English teacher, I think it's safe to say that I pee a lot. In fact, I'm pretty sure everyone at school knows I pee a lot. And I want you to know that I really appreciate you letting me go to the toilet in lesson and not frowning upon the fact that my bladder's the size of a pea. I should also mention to you guys that my English teacher looks a little like wolverine and dances like a 90 year old jazz player with arthritis. I kid. No I don't, that was a complete lie. He does but it's not as bad as it sounds.

To my friends. I PEE. Okay, I pee. I pee.I pee. I pee. Yes your bladder may be able to withstand mass amounts of water and not explode but I pee. 

To my friends once again, stop expecting me to respond to your texts. I'm terrible at it.

To the girls in my business class. Now I appreciate that you all enjoy a little sing song sometimes and of course everyone likes to chat once in a while, but shut the hell up. I'm not saying that you should completely restrict your speech but maybe just enough to let the teacher talk.

To my substitute teacher, please stop yelling at us. I know it's hard trying to control my maths class (because we're all just a bunch of mini barbarians disguised in school uniforms) but you yelling on top of 20 something screaming children isn't discipline sir. It's a head ache. And I know it's infuriating. It's also definitely our fault but if  I can say this without being too blunt...well you're as frightening as a 5 year old dressed in an over sized pixie costume.

To the school librarian. I'm sorry for eating waffles in the library. It was break and I was hungry and I'm so extremely sorry.

Finally, to my friends, and I swear this is the last time, criticizing people isn't funny. Laughing at someone's hairstyle or shoes isn't funny. Ridiculing the things a person does or the things they wear isn't humorous. It's stupid.

That is all.


  1. This post made me laugh in the best of ways. :)

    1. Success!! Thanks for reading Nicole.

  2. You're like the Tina Fey/Fred And George Weasley of blogging, you know that?
    Stay awesome as ever,
    Much love,
    Archie <3

    1. AWWWW your comments genuinely make me smile so much. Thank you Archie. You get me every time. Right in the feels. Seriously though, my ego's going to be the size of the Empire state building very soon.

  3. 'The one way older than me'
    Am i thinking what you are typing? ;)