Friday, 18 December 2015

What Christmas Adverts Taught Me

A very cynical and British take on TV adverts, brought to you by a teenage grump.
Blame it on my English teacher.

Christmas. A time of capitalism, materialism and sheer gullibility. And on the rare occasion, screaming children getting overly hyped about some potbellied guy in a red suit with a beard. It's the time of year that plagues our TV screens with adverts promoting products we genuinely couldn't care less about, and shops we wouldn't ever enter ourselves voluntarily in any other circumstance other than Armageddon or a shortage of WiFi. The advertisements are non stop, a constant reminder that Christmas is right around the corner. Or alternatively, some 2000 year old guy in a red suit is about to begin breaking and entering into your houses at night. Which is great and all if you want some mummified millennial ( literally) pacing around your house, but not that great if your scared shitless of the idea that he's still alive and should be dead by now. However us humans have a way of making it work. Christmas Ads. The art of brainwashing the minds of consumers and forcing them to buy things they won't ever need in the spirit of some archaic tradition. I know what you're thinking. "But they're just so entertaining." But what are they actually trying to teach you?

Sainsbury's taught me that cats are unintentional arsonists and completely capable of single handedly ruining your entire Christmas in one night. Which makes me think that the creator of that advert secretly despises cats or is trying to recreate the exact same thing that happened to him two Christmases ago in the Great Cat Incident Of 2013.

John Lewis taught me that there's an old man on the moon living in complete isolation with nothing but the comfort of a telescope for Christmas. John Lewis also taught me that a good quality telescope is able to see deep into space and that you probably shouldn't settle for anything less.

Sky movies taught me how to properly dispose of Brussels sprouts and that the bad guys in The Avengers are weak as shit and can be taken down by a single sprout.

 John Lewis taught me that a rabbit is capable of purchasing an alarm clock and wrapping it up despite it's lack of opposable thumbs. I also learnt that bears aren't savage creatures who will rip you to shreds after screwing with their hibernation periods.

Aldi taught me that parodies are amazing creations and that they have better prices on telescopes than John Lewis. Aldi also taught me the fastest way to get yourself sued and generate complaints.

House Of Fraser taught me that I don't own them and that great dancers jamming out to a killer song  really increase the appeal of a TV advert. Especially when dressed in incredible clothes or tangled up in Christmas lights.

 Most importantly, M&S taught me that there's an art to Christmas and it should be done correctly by executing a very sassy walk as demonstrated by the five year old in the advert, perfecting the night before, making a shit ton of noise, accurately displaying how surprised you are when receiving a gift and a whole lot of other things.

Now do you see it my way?


  1. LOL yeah, I see it your way... But, I personally believe Christmas is about the birth of our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.

    ...And the presents. The presents rule, too. ;)

  2. Yes, now I see it your way :')
    Dutch adverts teach one thing: use a raclette grill for Christmas dinner or your Christmas sucks. Literally every supermarket is advertising miniature pieces of meat for raclette grills and all the stores suddenly seel grills...

    x Envy
    Lost in Translation

    1. Finally. Lol. I would have thought that they'd make the grills bigger to fit the meat but I suppose whatever works for the creators is great too. Dutch adverts genuinely sound great to me right about now.

  3. Replies
    1. It's probably going to develop into some psychological condition where you physically can't stop reading my posts. They usually have that effect. I kid.