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Tuesday, 19 January 2016

The Highest Point Of Feeling Low


I think my biggest fear in life is that I won't be remembered for anything.
To go through life without impacting the lives of others.
Is there anything as tragic as that?

At some point you've got to learn that the things you do in high school: the embarrassing moments, the fall outs, the people you met or didn't meet; probably won't matter at all once you leave. Chances are that you might not keep your friends either. Not everyone's worth trying for.

And the way you felt that Monday afternoon when it felt like no one really liked you probably won't matter. Neither will the moments when you felt like you just weren't smart enough. Or felt like trying. The questions you answered in class won't matter because who in their right mind could ever care so much as to remember such a small thing. And the way you felt answering them won't. Even if for a split second you felt like the smartest person alive.

Maybe just maybe you'll forget about the sleepless nights and fights with yourself.The days spent deliberating what to say and how to act just so you'd feel accepted. Because not even the things people say to you will matter. Nor will the crushes or how bad you were at basketball. Or how bad you were at basketball in front of your crush. Let's face it, he still doesn't know you exist, let alone care enough to remember how crap you were at basketball two summers ago.

And perhaps nothing will really matter. Not the Spanish lessons. Not the awkward encounters or how many times you've been pushed or trodden on. And it's probably not going to matter about the amount of times you've cried or wished that you were invisible. It might not even matter about the time that 11 year old harassed you on your way to the bus stop and how close you were to whooping her ass. Believe it or not, the people you bumped into won't matter either. No matter how outrageous their reaction was.

Maybe in the end a lot of things won't matter. But the person we become sure as hell does and there's no denying that. So in other words, just don't be an arse.

I think one of the greatest things about high school whilst you're there- and trust me there are very few- has to be the people you meet. Sure they probably won't matter down the line, but for the brief period of time that they do, they really do. Don't get me wrong, your guaranteed to meet a few douche canoes from time to time, (or maybe almost all the time) but at some point you're bound to stumble upon someone amazing.


And it's all about finding yourself, right? Finding the person you are: the things you like, dislike , loathe. Building the person you are or more rather breaking your spirit and grinding your confidence to a pulp. I kid. But in all honesty I still don't know who the heck I am. Of course you could argue that I've still got 2 years left, but nothing really changes the fact that I am an ever evolving, complex mesh of cells. For goodness sake I change my mind on an hourly basis let alone daily. I  I won't find myself in high school. I'll find certain aspects of myself, but I sure as hell won't ever be able to find myself fully. And that's cool with me. I'm kind of winging it, and although I'd like to think that I know what I'm doing, I do not. I wish I did. It'd sure make it easier. God, it'd make it so much easier. But if all the year were playing holidays, to sport would be as tedious as to work. Wouldn't it?

Thursday, 14 January 2016

9 Reasons Why Your Life Definitely Sucks

If you're expecting to take something useful away from this, you've obviously never read my blog before. 

We all know that life sucks sometimes. We've all experienced our fair share of crappy times and sucky experiences. And at some point you've probably asked yourself -"Why is my life so dull?" (Or at least I'm assuming so. You are reading this post after all.) But no longer my friend. Here's a few suggestions as to why. In fact there's 9. I really couldn't come up with another one. (Insert DJ Khaled joke here.)


1)You're sat here reading this instead of eating chicken wings.

I'm  going to assume that you've clicked on at least 5 articles in the past week almost exactly like this one.You, my discontent juniper pod, (Not an actual thing. Just something I'd imagine an 80 year old Texan woman would call you.) think that somehow reading this is magically going to point out all the flaws in your life and allow you to fix them. It won't. It won't even benefit you in the slightest. I'm not going to lie, you're better off talking to a five year old about the stock market. Stop it! Stop it now and go eat something so incredibly saturated in breadcrumbs, it would make pigeons want to cry at night. 


2)You care about people way too much.

 Have you ever heard of Wenda Urkle? No? Exactly! The last time we saw her, she was dressed in grey, eating broth in the back of a mini van. She was so intent on listening to other people's opinions that she went insane. Do you want to be Wenda Urkle? Do you? No! No you don't!
Also that was a complete lie. But all the same, stop worrying about what other people think. They don't pour your cereal and they sure as hell don't drink your damn milk. 


3)You've never clung to a wall in your life.

There's something extremely liberating about dramatically pressing yourself against a wall in front of a crowded area. It's quirky. It's fun. It's going to lose you a heck of a lot of friends. It's okay.

4)You don't say enough weird stuff.

The words: bansnadaf, wuberffle, pedonkerpel, suqard and renderfafflepukerpeus have never left your mouth. You're living in a boring old world of hellos and goodbyes.


5)You hang around with people that put you down.

If your friend:
-Gives you back handed compliments.
- Directly insults you.
-Laughs at you.
-Avoids you.
-Is embarrassed by you.
-Never listens to you.
-Tells you you're not good enough.
-Doesn't support your interests (And by God, if they don't respect your wall clinging, they're one heck of a crappy friend.)
You should stop hanging out with them. Or repetitively hit them with a bear claw until they're covered in danish pastry and refuse to speak to you again.

6)You went through high school taking subjects you hated.

You're the type of person who took sociology in high school and realised it was probably a better option to become a drug dealer than actually finish the whole course.


7)You don't allow yourself to be angry or upset.

Screw being happy all the time. The problem isn't with you if you're upset, it's with the person that's questioning if there's something wrong with you when there clearly is. Of course I'm not fine. Why would you even ask? Do smiles look like frowns you incompetent potoatowad?!


8) You've never stood up for yourself.

You've let that five year old on the bus stare you down for too long and you've never said anything.
You need to tell them what's what. Or alternatively leave them alone as they're five and clearly staring at the picture of the cartoon burger behind you.


9)You just don't do you enough.

You stopped watching Disney films a year ago because you 'outgrew' them. You stopped singing because you weren't good enough. You stopped listening to classical music because someone said your taste in music was weird. You stopped being you because you felt that someone else's opinion mattered more than yours. But it doesn't.

Now go be amazing.
Oh,and for the love of God, do not become Wenda Urkle.

Sunday, 10 January 2016

An Ode To The Words I've Breathed Before

I think I'm okay. 

Origin


The funny thing about writing is that it probably reveals more about you than you think. I think that's why there's always such an emphasis on reading between the lines. It's never a question as to what the writer has written but a question as to why they've written it. Or as your English teacher would most likely put it- what are they trying to convey? And maybe it's because we're more captivated with the writer themselves than the things they've written. Sure the words have a part to play in reeling in an audience, but it's the 'what inspired them?' or the 'what did they mean?' that keeps us up at night. It's the personal connection that we build through those words, as if the words are the writer themselves.

 Truth is, words are nothing more than the person that's using them. That's the scary thing.  A writer is everything and anything that they are capable of creating. They are a 7 foot giant.They are the meta human they've conjured up in dreams and so eagerly brought to life in their work. They are the missing commas in their essays ( Or more rather my essays, because my punctuation is so nonexistent it could make a grown man cry.).The apostrophes and the scenes they describe. They are the unfinished paragraphs in their notebooks. They are the words that they write. And the closest you could ever really get to a person is through the words they write or say.

I like to think that words are kind of like potential energy. It's both everything and essentially nothing at the same time. Take for example a tennis ball. Up until the moment that you throw the ball, it's only holding a potential form of energy. Kinetic energy in this case. It's once you let go that it suddenly becomes something else. You see, words are always there. It's only until they're used that they actually become something. And it got me thinking. Perhaps the things we create will always remain in a state of potential energy. 

Take for example Steinbeck in Of Mice And Men.  What if he hadn't written the first chapter of that book the day that he had? Would we have had an alternative beginning? In fact, would we have even had the same story as we do today? There has and will always be a million other alternative ways that a piece of writing could have gone. That's the thing with words isn't it? You have so much yet so little power and control over the things you say and write. In the end the writer may have full control over what they put out, but the experiences they've had and the people they encounter- the things that shape that person and their stories- will never be in their control.  And weirdly, I like it like that.

But I'm not sure if I can consider myself a writer yet.

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

I Have Nothing To Write About.

 In which I don't really know what to write about.



My mindset is that if I sit in front of the computer screen for long enough, eventually I'll end up typing something. But it's been 2 hours.

Usually when I'm not writing I'm either eating or watching YouTube videos.( Which isn't a very healthy duo.) Of course this is minus the time I spend attending hell and doing homework. Most times I'm writing on my blog and other times I'm writing whatever comes to mind. These are things that I'm probably never going to take any further or end up putting out there. Random sentence starters that I can't help but drool over yet can't seem to find paragraphs that work with them. And as a lover of words, that's pretty sad. But stuff sucks. I'll roll with the punches. 

I however have nothing to write about currently, other than my never subsiding fear of failure which no one should have the displeasure of reading through, and so I shall not write anything. This was just an update to reassure you that I'm still alive and to wish you a happy new year.