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Sunday, 31 July 2016

WIFE ME, DAMMIT!

Also known as the culinarily-challenged guide to making stew.

Firstly, let's address my absence. Why was I not here? Well, I was fighting dragons in Southern Europe... is what I would have used as my excuse for not blogging these past two-ish months. But then I saw the film Wanted (the one with James McAvoy where he kills the organisation that made him believe his father was trying to kill him) and realised that telling you that I was learning to curve a bullet around Angelina Jolie sounded way cooler. So I'm sticking with the latter. 

Tomorrow night I cook for my family. Or at least I attempt to cook. My main aim is to not poison anyone. Anything substantial that I achieve during the process will be in the hand of God my saviour and holy spirit. Amen. I however hold the belief that when the Lord said, "Let not your child be free with a spatula and garlic cloves if she/he does not wisheth" that He spoke it with truth. So I shall declare that it will not be the fault of mine if I fail to produce anything more than a pot of spicy tomato sin.

But in order for me to be the good West African girl I truly know I can be( seriously wife me Jace Norman) and not be disowned by both sides of my family, I have a list of steps and ingredients. What you produce at the end of it is not my problem. I created this post with nothing but a shady looking set of ingredients written down in my memo app.

Ingredients you will need if you wish to die of food poisoning:
- 1 decent looking onion about yay big.
- 2-3 garlic cloveicles
- 2 tins of chopped tomatoes - Even if  you're like me and you believe that tomatoes are a mistake. Mine are from Costco because I didn't take business for a year just to spend an extra three British sterling pounds on canned iguana sweat.
- 2-3 tablespoons of dark soy sauce
- Oil (Any oil at all. In the end it all tastes like baby sweat anyway.)
-  A teaspoon of powdered chili ( Because why not ,eh?)
- A singular green pepper. (Or any coloured pepper at that. Be spontaneous with it. Be free man. Get loose.)
- Meat of choosing. Or meats, if you're feeling real carnivorous.

Le Steps

1) Dice everything.
2) Make fire. I hear stoves do this well.
3) Put a pan on the fire but not directly on the flame. 
4) Let the oil heat till it sounds like that sound that popping candy makes when popping candy makes sounds in your mouth sometimes.
5) Cook the meat well well my child. (That step is only funny if read in a Nigerian accent.)
6  Add the veg to the cooked meat chunklets.
7) Let the veg saute in the meat juices. Yum!
8) Add the iguana sweat.
9) Add spices and salt to try and disguise the taste of iguana sweat.
10) Let it all simmer for a unknown period of time.
11) Eat with rice.
12) Cry a little.

8 comments:

  1. I read the first ingredients line without my glasses and thought it said "one decent looking oniony pig". Always best to start off with a pretty one. Anyhoo - did the family survive?

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    1. Well I did when I tried it. If I can make it correctly tomorrow then there's a 87% chance of their survival. Oniony pig, by the way, is now my favourite misread line.

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  2. Thank you this was very informative.
    I must agree with you on the iguana sweat thing. Ugh.
    I have been building up my tolerance to those red orbs fabled to be the origin of iguana sweat, and someday during the apocalypse i will be able to survive on only canned iguana sweat and maybe the flesh of whoever my apocalypse buddy is.
    The buddy system will be especially important in the apocalypse.

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    Replies
    1. You are truly welcome.And finally someone agrees that tomatoes are terrible little things. Canning them, in my opinion, is just abominable.You make a good point about the buddy system, so I shall bear that in mind when the apocalypse hits.

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  3. You can make soup, I can't make pancakes without a recipe from bbc good food. (And even they end up looking/tasting like the spawn of Satan)

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    Replies
    1. I can attempt to make soup. Let's not get ahead of ourselves here woman. I can't make pancakes either, so I feel your pain.

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  4. im just going to repeat step 12 if im ever asked to cook!

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    Replies
    1. Cooking is just so much pressureeeeee!! Frankly, crying is the only reasonable reaction anyone should have to cooking.

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