Sunday, 21 August 2016

Look Mom, I'm So Tumblr!!

Oh what fresh hell is this?!

Most things, in theory, sound like good ideas. As proven by Dragons' Den: A show in which brave and fearless entrepreneurs trek to a BBC studio made to look like the top floor of a run down parking complex and try to persuade 5 multimillionaires all sat perfectly on seemingly extortionate priced leather chairs, made by Shaolin monks no doubt, (because every multimillionaire has their hobbies after a long day of raking in enough profit to buy a small town in Albania plus its inhabitants) to invest thousands in their enterprise. All in the hopes of turning them into highly profitable businesses so they too can one day have the ability to sit on one of the five chairs and have their butts graced by Chinese ox leather.

Each episode shows a smattering of entrepreneurs as they enter the 'den' and pitch their ideas to the 'dragons', all offering a percentage of their business in return for a wholesome investment and the backing of one or more of the five dragons. There's really only one iddy biddy little problemo. You, my friend, must have an extremely profitable and sustainable idea. A lot of these ideas in theory, are pretty good. In real life, ehhh not so much. Which leads me to Saturday morning.

In my ever constant pursuit of becoming one of those uber cute tumblresque girls people are always tweeting about, I learned that there were really only three things I needed to do.

1. Go to the men's section and pick up a grey, long sleeve shirt way too big for my being. Because aesthetic.

2. Learn how to make pancakes.

3. Master the art of the messy yet somehow perfect top knot.

Being the nappy headed, short fro'd cheapskate that I am, I did neither 1 or 3. The pancakes though, seemed almost fool-proof. Almost. So I took myself to the store, scanned the aisles, and left with a bag of pancake/ Yorkshire pudding mix. (Because we can't always have what we want, okay! You got to compromise!) That is in addition to the clotted cream and chocolate chips of course. I know where my loyalties lie, and that is in the isles of sugary creams and confectioneries.

The steps were simple. Simply mix 120 grams of mix with 250ml of water and one egg. SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME HOW I DONE MUCKED THAT UP!!!! Because I did not in fact create pancakes. No, no, no. I had created the physical manifestation of the spirit the pastor had purged out of the woman at the wedding when I was ten. (It's a long story.) I had strong conviction however, that the chocolate chips and the clotted cream would turn that demonmongery that lay before me into something less satanic. I could redeem myself!! With a handful of hope chocolate chips, I prayed and commenced sprinkling. The reaching for the cream, I spooned with ambition, the contents of the tub.

But in the end, I had undoubtedly worsened the situation. I would never be the Tumblr girl I had little belief that I could actually be. So I grabbed the chocolate chips, sat down, and ate the remainder as I watched TV.
The moral of the story here is that pancakes suck. TEAM WAFFLES!!!

Also, currently slaying my entire existence is Greyson Chance. Less commonly known as my salted yam fry.